0 Star Tobacco Blends

Ugh. Anything listed here is truly wretched, and offers absolutely no redeeming qualities that I can find. These are the tobaccos smoked and loved by the orcs of Mordor and the goblins of Mirkwood. On the positive side, most anything you see listed here can be easily replaced with inexpensive and readily-available straw and firewood kindling, thus allowing the smoker on a budget to enjoy the same quality at a better price.



McClelland Christmas Cheer 98 - Every once in a while, a really blasphemous tobacco manages to get past my security system and find its way, like some reeking goblin, into the sanctity of my home. This "review" is a first ever for me - a review of a tobacco that I have not even smoked. The vile weed was brought over by my friend Paul, who is otherwise of excellent and sound judgement on all things tobacco-ish. He thought to try this for a change of pace, since many had spoken highly of it on ASP. However, the smell from the can was enough to make me cringe, as it was a bit like what I imagine the Tall Man's (of "Phantasm" fame) embalming room must smell like. This is a VIRGINIA tobacco, and Paul put it best when he stated, "It smells like tongue bite in a can". The can smell was enough to convince me that I owned no pipe which I disrespected enough to inflict with this substance, but Paul bravely soldiered on and sampled the mix. In short order my entire vaulted great room was filled with the smell of burning grass and cardboard, which stuck like cigarette odor for the entire next day. On the positive side, Paul reported that this was not the flavor of the tobacco, but that instead it tasted exactly like "hot air". This report was later verified by another of our experimental subjects, Joey Clodfelter, who reported that the taste was steam as well. If this is Christmas Cheer, I'll take that stocking full of coal now...

(Appended as of April 16, 2000: Paul has put a tin of this mix away in storage to age for a few years out of curiosity. He and I have both found a few Virginia blends in the meantime that we've enjoyed, so he had some question as to whether his original opinion would still hold after time and aging of the tobacco. He recently emailed me regarding this, and I print here his thoughts after the opening of an aged tin - "It still tastes like hot air , even after my recent accomplishments with Virginia tobaccos . My first impression when opening the can was of the tin aroma , which struck me as a familiar smell and it took a few minutes to assign the smell to a pigeon hole in my brain . It smells for all the world to me like Sweet Pickles , a food I abhor . After smoking it I noticed that aside from the hot air flavor I could discern a sweet pickle flavor , so the tobacco is not truly flavorless as was my first impression . Still a yuck in my book .")

Erinmore - Have you ever smoked a pineapple? Would you ever want to? If the need and lust for smoked pineapple has been a driving force in your life, Erinmore is the tobacco for you - it even has all the uniquely unappealing flavor of its fruity ancestor (Sorry, I'm a melon person myself). It will crawl into your pipe and live there for months, lending a juicy twang to everything else you smoke. The experience is much like getting a repetitive country song stuck in your head and trying to hum Steeleye Span... the Erinmore flavor will keep barging in wearing cowboy boots and wanting to drink all your beer.
May be purchased from:
Pipe and Pint, (336) 218-8610 Greensboro, North Carolina, USA

Dunhill's 3 Year Matured Virginia - From the pineapple branch of the plant kingdom we move over to fruitcake... Well, assuming that there IS fruit in fruitcake. I'm not sure anyone knows. I usually really enjoy the Dunhill blends but there are a couple that are beyond awful, and this one is right out there in another galaxy. It produces a unique taste sensation remarkably similar to drinking a glass of grape juice after eating a taco. Hmm. I think that's probably all that can safely be said. This is another blend that will infest your pipe and never let go, so be warned.
May be purchased from:
Pipe and Pint, (336) 218-8610 Greensboro, North Carolina, USA

Dunhill's Royal Yacht - Royal Yack, like Erinmore, occupies a unique and legendary place in pipesmoking mythology. To pipesmokers, these are the Jersey Devils - strange, mysterious, and rightfully feared. The Jersey Devil is a variant of the Bigfoot critter, and one of the few that has ever had a history of aggressive violence towards humans. They don't just stroll past your shaking and upside down camera; they run out and pounce on you and jump around on your head. Much like this tobacco. It was one of the few I've ever smoked which actually made me physically nauseated. It's fun to recommend to new smokers, though, like trekking into the woods and convincing your drunken buddy to go tickle the grizzly cubs...
May be purchased from:
Pipe and Pint, (336) 218-8610 Greensboro, North Carolina, USA